in which I probably say too much

Relationships

This has been a difficult season for me. Spring-time stirs up so many emotions that I’ve found it’s been the most difficult time of year for me over the past several years. I start thinking too much. And analyzing everything. And frankly, I’ve hit a wall as of late, especially when I think about some of my relationships. But this time my over-thinking hasn’t been a negative thing. In a way I feel I’ve more clarity than ever about my direction and what life needs to look like– what needs to stay and what needs to go for me and my family to thrive. Because after all, if momma ain’t happy… You know.

For some time there have been relationships that have pulled at my emotional fabric so fiercely that I’ve felt ripped apart inside over why they aren’t working. These relationships are complicated and I wouldn’t begin to claim complete innocence in their deterioration, but none-the-less, they have affected my life and well-being. As such, I feel like a sort of spring-cleaning is needed to get myself back to a healthy place where I’m not ruminating on them anymore and wasting precious time.

Because sometimes relationships are beyond repair and the most God-honoring thing you can do is walk away. For your sake and the sake of the other person. 

There are some relationships that are worth fighting for, of course. For me, those include family and close friends who have walked miles on this road of life with me. Those who know me, have a history with me and love me even though I am seriously flawed and unloveable at times. New friendships have also blossomed during our time in India that bring me life and joy and I’m excited to see how these grow. And of course there are a few people I want to pour into who have nothing they can give back, but because I want them to see Jesus I give of myself freely.These are the people I want to pursue and invest my life in.

Then there are some difficult relationships that honestly have been a drain on me in many ways. People I’ve pursued because I thought we shared vision or because I felt a responsibility to invest time in them but yet for whatever reason things have fallen flat. And certainly there have been times in ministry I’ve felt the sting of rejection for who I am as a person, but my service or sacrifice of course was welcomed because someone needed to fill the job. These relationships have left me questioning my own value and worth at times and it frustrates me I’ve allowed that to happen.

When a relationship is one-sided, you can sense it. At least I can. And I’m done with pouring any of my limited energy and time into something that’s one-sided– when someone clearly doesn’t want all of me and what I have to offer I don’t want any part of it. I have four kids, a husband (who often gets the short-end of the stick when it comes to my time and energy), family and friends back home I need to connect with, a book I’m finishing, a new business, and emerging roles in ministry to women that are taking shape right now. All of these things win moving forward. This is all I can manage; this is where my greatest investment of time and energy are.

Quite simply, like most people I don’t have time to invest in projects, people or organizations that see me as a means to an end and think I have nothing to offer them beyond my pocketbook or hospitality or service. My plate is full. My heart can’t bear anymore insults or misunderstanding or indifference from these people. I’m not going to beat down any doors or force myself into anyone’s life if they don’t want all of me. Because I’m messy. Very messy. And I’m not always a walk in the park. But I’m real. Or at least I used to be and that’s when I’m at my very best if you’ve taken the time to get to know me.

So for now on I’m going to try to use my limited time and resources more wisely on relationships that give me life and I’m going to stop forcing the ones that don’t. It’s time to politely but resolvedly move in this direction and see if it takes me to a healthier place.

Want to join me?

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5 thoughts on “in which I probably say too much

  1. I totally get what you’ve been going through, girl! I realized sometime recently how superficial certain relationships were. I had been pouring myself out without much understanding or acceptance from the other end. It made me sit up and reevaluate those relationships. Long story short, I “spring cleaned” those off. And focused on those who were most important to me, esp. my family.

    P.s. So pumped to read of your connection to India. I live in Mumbai 🙂

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