North Carolina Dogwood
This weekend I was able to get away from my normal routine (whatever that is now) and have a spiritual retreat with my dearest. We made a short jaunt up to The Cove (Billy Graham’s place) for some quiet (no tv, internet, kids, etc.) reflection time. It was great–we strolled along the trails, had some yummy food, and I was able to find a cozy spot and have some time to read, pray and wait (I’m getting pretty good at that part!).
I was surprised that being quiet had become something challenging and uncomfortable for me. It took part of the morning just to unwind–I have forgotten how to focus when I’m only focusing on one thing and not four or five at a time. I was also surprised at how long I had gone without spending time on the relationship I would say is my most important. And it’s not because I don’t know I’m supposed to, I just always seem to tell myself I’m too busy. Or the conditions are never just right.
But my tank was totally empty. I had been running on fumes. I’ve heard that these years with small children are some of the toughest a woman can face, and I believe it. So much being taken out and so little being put back in on a daily basis. It’s foolish to go so long without recalibrating my focus back onto the things that are the most important. But alas, I don’t always live up to my nickname “Wise One” given to me by my step-father.
I read through Deut. 30 and even though I had read it before, I was able to glean some things from it. And while I know the message was not necessarily meant for me, I think what he is telling Israel here, is applicable to me now. In this passage God wanted his people to choose life–to choose Him. It’s so simple, yet for me it is hard to be faithful.
So many times I haven’t chosen Him–sometimes it is a struggle to remain obedient and trusting in these quiet times of life when you feel forgotten and your life is totally on hold. None-the-less, I felt like there was something in that passage for me, for where I am right now, to choose life, to obey even when it’s hard and I’m not sure of the outcome. Which is pretty much where I am right about now.
And just a little tid-bit from our weekend that was interesting–Ruth Bell Graham had something very clever put on her gravestone. It said “End of Construction, Thank You for Your Patience.” How fantastic–true, yet very clever–I love it!
So my last post was not stellar, but it is probably a good indication of where I am right now as we enter month four of our sojourn in Georgia. (insert long sigh)
I have many questions about our next destination–many, many questions about how my life will work over there. Still, this nomadic life is wearing on the family. I am ready for my own space, to make something feel like my home. My hubby has moved our “stuff” I think for the last time until we take it with us to the airport. Stuff is cumbersome, though necessary, I suppose.
So here I am. A woman in great need of an attitude adjustment. In need of a burst of creativity and a dose of joy. This probably is a good indication that I need some time to reflect, to pray, to be still. I probably also need to look at the positives in my life instead of the negatives… quite a challenge for me, I must say.
And there are many positives. One is when my middle son makes up stories on the fly and tells them like they are real. Or when my youngest is in trouble but smiles and tilts her head to the side because she’s trying to be charming. Or when my oldest gives me a huge hug and tells me he loves me. So I guess there’s my answer. Life is good, even if I am still living out of a suitcase.
It’s funny, but I was talking to my hubby tonight about my total lack of girl-chatter time. I suppose it is why I am blogging now, I have to process my life some how and since I do that by talking–I have two options: drive my husband bananas or blog. I guess you see what I chose.
This waiting time has been good in many ways–more time with family and friends, more time for us to spend as just a family, and more time to prepare for what’s ahead. The problem is that everyone here has a life in progress, while mine is on hold. And sometimes that doesn’t feel quite right. I like to feel like my life is progressing, too, but for now it just seems to be idle. I also miss having a nest of my own to perch in–instead I get to perch in other peoples’ nests for short periods of time. While their nests are nice, it’s not quite the same.
So what does one do while waiting? Well, I’m planning on making scrapbooks for the kids, Star Wars quilts, and while I’m at it maybe paint with my mom a little. That’s the positive. The negative thing is that this waiting time has also provided me with too much time to think and ponder about things I’d rather not. I find myself dwelling on petty things that I would normally not have time to give two seconds to such as unanswered emails, canceled plans and Facebook scammers who are trying to steal my email address by trying to get me to befriend a scantily clad twenty-one year old girl. Nice try, but I was on to you when you said you went to DTS but wore a shirt that exposed your midriff in your profile picture. Please.
So this post is more for me than you and I’m very apologetic because I should have any readers I’m fortunate to have at the forefront of my thoughts when writing. Sorry. But life is a little like sitting on a still pond right now with the line in the water, waiting for something to bite. And hopefully when it does it will be exciting, like a really big bass and not just a tangled line or a puny little brim.
I’m not sure if everyone is as familiar as I am with the four temperaments– Choleric, Phlegmatic, Sanguine and Melancholy, but I find them a fascinating and insightful. Of course, most people are a blend of temperaments with one that tends to be more dominant than the others. For me I am predominantly a melancholy and secondly a choleric and a small amount of the other two blended in at times. Basically, this means I’m an introverted, contemplative, creative, control-freak. Which, I must say, is quite true most of the times.
Right now it is especially so. I am having a melancholy moment. Perhaps even a melancholy week! This week we moved from one place to another, saying goodbye yet again to the routine and people we had gotten used to. We also had the grand delight of re-organizing our stuff and giving away/throwing away more things. I never realized how attached to stuff I could be, but maybe it’s because this is not the first time we’ve done this and won’t be the last. It has been a slightly emotional and stressful week.
Right now we are house/dog sitting for family and while it is nice to have our own space, I miss having people close by that I know. And honestly, the barking dog is really making me edgy! Sweet she may be, but the incessant barking is for the birds. It was nice, however to be able to walk outside this afternoon and cut some fresh flowers and put them in a vase, something I have rarely ever been able to do.
Still, I miss community. At the Stevens’ house we had gotten into playing Cities and Knights quite a bit, just like we used to in Dallas. It’s funny, but I’m not really sure how to function anymore without people around to share life with. Which leads me to wonder what our lives will be like when we move to an even larger city and know even fewer people. I guess I’ll figure it out again and start the process anew when that time comes. I know there’s no sense in stressing about what has not happened yet. But like I said, this is a melancholy moment and I’m mostly a melancholy.